We’ve said many times that it rarely feels right to do the right thing, and vice versa; that’s why making a smart commitment can feel horrifying while using heroin can feel super terrific. So when you have a tough decision to make, don’t pay too much attention to how comfortable your choice makes you, or those around you, feel. Consult your values and do what’s right, and prepare to live with discomfort if that’s what being smart/sober requires.
-Dr. Lastname
I’m very happy with my marriage, and my wife isn’t pressuring me to have children, but I know she’d like them and time is running out. I have nothing against having kids—we’ve got enough money, and there’s nothing I think is more important in my life—but I’ve always been anxious, and I know that having kids will make me even more stressed out. I’ll always be worrying that we’re doing the wrong thing, because that’s the way my mind works. My wife thinks I’ll be OK, but I know that my self-doubts never stop. My goal is to figure out a way I can be comfortable having kids.
Very few people know with 100% clarity that it’s time to have kids, and most of those have an outside source, from a cult leader to a positive pregnancy test, making the call for them. Since very few anxious people are ever 100% sure about anything, however, not even a fetus or a Svengali is guaranteed to set your mind straight.
As you describe yourself, you’ve always been too stressed to think about what you’d like to do, focusing more on your worry about whether or not you’ll do things wrong. That may make it hard for you to get enthusiastic about starting a family (or anything else, for that matter).
Sometimes a life experience will free you of your fears. It certainly happens in the movies, where the driving force may be therapy, love, time-travel, a seemingly magical ethnic minority, or a near-death experience. Speaking as a practicing shrink, however, I’d have to say that worriers tend to remain worriers, no matter how magical and ethnic their inspirational new friend is, and that it’s not fair to suggest that they lack courage. Of course, their worries do tend to make them pessimistic, self-blaming and more fearful.
Obviously, there are advantages to being a worrier, or the worry genes wouldn’t be so prevalent (and shrinks would have to find some other way to make a living). If you’re a self-critical worrier, your worries probably make you work harder and check yourself more carefully, as a result of which you improve your changes to survive.
So don’t wait to have kids until you’re confident you’ll be a good dad, because then you’re never going to be a dad, period. Instead, ask yourself whether fatherhood is meaningful to you, given what you want to accomplish in life and what you think will make the world a better place.
Take into account the strength of your partnership and the priorities of your partner. Also, examine any extra risks posed by your genetics any possible well-documented problem with your personality or behavior, the instability of your environment, or a lack of resources. Make the best decision you can, relying on your values and relationship to your community, and not fear or self-doubt.
You many never get over your doubts about parenting. As someone who has forged a strong partnership and figured out a way to make a living and survive in a world that is never easy or fair for any extended period of time, however, you probably have strong qualification and can make a good decision based on your beliefs and opportunities.
Whether you’re worried about having kids, about not having a kid, or just about whether you worry too much, uncertainty is a part of who you are. You have to figure out what you want in life in spite of your anxiety, not because of it.
STATEMENT:
“I wish I could get enthusiastic about starting a family but I won’t postpone decision-making until I feel sure things will be OK. I will consult my priorities and do what seems meaningful and possible, even if it makes me more nervous and less sure of myself.”
It was hard for me to tell my parents I was gay but I finally did it, with the help of therapy and a couple close friends. As I expected, they were surprised and weren’t mean about it, but they’re fairly religious, and I can tell they’re really unhappy about my announcement. They’re careful not to hurt my feelings, but they keep on hinting that there may be ways for me to lead a straight life, regardless of my sexual orientation. I can see them tense up when I enter the room at family events, and they act particularly friendly in a way that just isn’t natural. My goal is to show them that I’m happy being gay and get back to our old, easy relationship.
Don’t rate the success of your coming out by the ease of your family relationships, or lack of it. As you’ve no doubt discovered, it’s more important for you to not have to hide than to not feel totally relaxed at your parents’ house. You will probably feel you made the right decision, even if it caused permanent mental indigestion to people you loved dearly.
Even when you’re a nice person who says the right things to a nice family, you can’t guarantee that they’ll really accept your differences, whether you come home with a strange new haircut, winter coat, or sexual preference. They’ll want to, but feelings are what they are. Having done everything just right, you may still have to accept the fact that your family will never be entirely comfortable with your being gay, though they would phrase it as a matter of “what you’ve chosen.”
Your fear of non-acceptance might have pushed you to add to the damage, but luckily, you didn’t let it. You didn’t force yourself to conceal your identity, take refuge in drugs, get attack those whose attitude causes you pain. That’s a significant achievement.
If your goal is to have your old, easy relationship back, you’ll probably grow increasingly frustrated and resentful, and family relationships will deteriorate. Instead, accept the fact that you can’t have what you want—very few people can—and make it your goal to preserve family relationships where possible while protecting yourself. Aim for tolerant behavior, at a polite distance, while taking pride in, well, your pride.
There may be no escape to your feelings of loss and discomfort. If, however, you can convey the comfort you feel with your own decision, and lead a life that is consistent with the moral values that you share with your family, time may teach them that you’re no different in the ways that matter and that they can grow from knowing you better.
STATEMENT:
“I squirm when I see how uncomfortable my being gay makes my family, but I will respect my refusal to hide my identity and will not let my unhappiness with their response change the way I live or get me to drive them away.”