In family disputes, the nuclear option isn’t sending a child to his room or your spouse to the sofa, it’s breaking a tense silence and dropping an angry “I told you so.” How four little words can express so much contempt, rage, and blame is a true linguistic mystery, but as phrases go, it can be a weapon of mass destruction. Instead of doing major damage by adopting the language and tactics of your enemy, choose silence, which empowers you to define positive goals and express them when your rage is under control. Then, when and if you do say “I told you so,” the words are disarmed; it’s your vision that wins and no one need feel humiliated or defeated.
-Dr. Lastname
I’ve decided to leave my wife because I’m tired of always carrying the ball and cleaning up after her messes, which are frequent and horrendous, because she never seems to follow through on paying a bill or responding to mail and always pretends that there’s no problem. That means she’s the one who seems calm and says everything’s fine, and I’m the one who’s spitting mad at the late fees and legal problems she’s created, which makes my kids think I’m the bad guy. I can’t think of a thing I can tell them without expressing my rage at their mother, which just pushes them further away. Now they think she’s a marshmallow and, when she doesn’t keep her commitments, they’re sorry for her for being depressed. I think of her as a malignant marshmallow, but my silence leaves me undefended and I can’t say “I told you so” without making her look like a victim. My goal is to think of some way to break out of this prison of silence.
Being too angry to speak is like being too full to eat or too tired to move; it’s your body putting the breaks on, pulling out all the stops to save your ass.
Just as it’s better to put your fork down instead of inhale pasta ’til you puke or try to ignore your sleepiness and get behind the wheel, it’s often better to be struck dumb than to find a way to express yourself and explode your family.
You’re probably right to be afraid of the bad effect your words would have on your kids, even if your silence does little to defend you from looking like the baddie. Don’t despair, however, of finding something constructive to say. Just let your anger cool and compose yourself before beginning your composition.
Step away from the vocabulary of your family soap opera, forgetting any words associated with outrage and villainy. Instead, ask yourself why you think it’s best for you and your wife to break up, listing the factors that matter most when you consider the health of your partnership (while putting aside the fact that you totally hate her).
Since you have kids, the standard criteria for deciding what’s best include how much better you could do as a parent if you didn’t have her unhelpful-helpfulness weighing you down and draining family finances. The fact that she infuriates you is understandable, but it doesn’t factor here, and it’s certainly no excuse for attacking her given that you know it won’t do any good and will just upset the kids. As tough as it may be, your job is to try to keep that anger to yourself (and redirect it at A-Rod). If you can’t control yourself, leave the room or find something to bite on, just keep your words to yourself.
Using those criteria, try expressing your reasons for breaking up as if your goal was to leave a business partnership without causing humiliation, splitting loyalties, or stirring up antagonism or lawsuits. Begin with something positive, like her love for the kids or anything else she does well or has good intentions about. Don’t get personal about the irreconcilable differences, regardless of how personal you or she may feel about them. It’s OK to talk about your different styles and methods of problem solving, their negative impact on the family, and the improvement you expect from splitting up. Apologize for sounding demeaning when you’re frustrated, and refuse to discuss your anger or why you were right and she was wrong. It’s not emotional, and it’s not up for debate.
In the end, your kids may well find her weaknesses more frustrating and worrisome when they must deal with them on their own. When that happens, there’s nothing wrong with raising an “I told you so” eyebrow, as long as you’re not calling her a bad person or claiming that she could do better if she wanted to.
Someday, you may welcome your kids to the club of people who have a hard time working with her and are proud of their ability to stay polite, keep their mouths shut, and look forward to the day when they no longer need rely on her ability to get things done. Meanwhile, let your rage keep your jaw locked, at least until your brain can find a way of expressing yourself that your body approves of.
STATEMENT:
“I always want to justify and explain my fury at my wife’s fuck-ups, but the kids don’t understand my worries and will just get spooked by my anger. I will focus on staying polite while I decide when and how to separate and how to explain the advantages of doing so to the kids, rather than describing the crimes and misdemeanors that make my blood boil.”
My new wife was never able to set limits on her sons without being undermined by her crazy ex-husband, and now that we’re married, the boys continue to treat my new home as if they own it and I’m an unwanted guest. They’re always asking for money they’re not entitled to, taking no responsibility for keeping the place clean or contributing in any way to chores while ignoring my hints and limits. My wife agrees they’re spoiled but sees them as victims of an unhappy marriage and in need of extra support. When we were away on our honeymoon, they had their friends over for a party and trashed the place and I felt I finally had an opportunity to tell her “I told you so” and insist that it was time for this crap to stop. She just got more defensive, and I felt paralyzed and furious. My goal is to be master of my own house.
Expecting your new wife to agree with you about your step-sons’ faults when they’re at their most obnoxious seems reasonable, but it’s actually a poor tactic, because it relies on sharing the idea that they’re jerks. Even Saddam Hussein’s mother had lovely things to say about him, so getting a mother to agree to the fact her sons are jerks is a tall order.
Whether it’s true or not, it will start an endless argument about whether they’re really that bad and who’s to blame. As noted above, “Who’s the Asshole?” is an engaging family game that usually spreads shit on everyone. The boys may be incredibly disrespectful and provocative, but if you respond in their terms and get into a pissing contest, they’ll have drawn you into a fight for their mother’s loyalty that you can never entirely win.
Instead, define your own mission for improving and managing out-of-control behavior, not for indicting and punishing bad guys. Assume that it’s good to have rules that help kids do their share and prepare for independence, making it clear that the purpose of limiting their funds and making money contingent on work is to help them, not humiliate them. Draw on your values as a constructive parent, not on your outrage.
With these principles in mind, propose house rules that you think are necessary and easy to enforce. Include some that you can enforce on your own, regardless of your wife’s agreement or cooperation. As an adult who is willing to supervise, drive, buy for, play with, and feed kids, you have much to offer, assuming they follow basic rules, and much to withhold if they don’t. Then talk with her about why limits are necessary and how you propose to set them.
Welcome her input and don’t be threatened if she only half-agrees with your plans, because pressuring her to agree will cause nothing but conflict. Remember, retaliating when you’re angry will probably cause more trouble. Withholding your help or cooperation when they’ve clearly broken the rules may help them do better next time, and will almost certainly protect you from additional abuse.
Stick to your guns when they complain to your wife about how mean you are. Then, when they next antagonize her or get into trouble, don’t take pleasure in proving they’re jerks. Instead, urge her to help them improve their self-control by giving your methods a try. They’re probably nice boys, but they’re badly in need of some rules, which, luckily, you and your wife can provide.
STATEMENT:
“It’s hell to live with bratty step-kids but getting nasty with them is the best way to start a war and let them interfere with my marriage. In a slow and business-like way, I’ll propose and enforce constructive rules whenever it’s possible and important. I can protect myself from being exploited or mistreated. In the long run, I may be able to help them and my wife improve their behavior and end their antagonism.”